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Jake Flakes

Jake Flakes

I flake. I flake constantly. Honestly it’s a wonder that I have any friends. It’s not that I don’t like company or social interactions, it’s just that going without company or social interactions is a giant relief. We’ve all had this exact text conversation:

“Want to hang out tonight?”

“Sure! What time?”

“I’m free around 9:00.”

“Oh I work early so I’ll only be able to come out for a quick drink. I’m free tomorrow?”

“let’s do tomorrow then, where do you wanna go?”

“You invited me out, you pick.”

“Alright, how about 23rd bar and grill?”

“Nah a girl I went on a tinder date with once goes there.”

“How about that one wine bar on the eastside?”

“Which one?”

“You know, that one?”

“There’s a thousand wine bars on the eastside you have to be more specific.”

“The one where I choked on an olive and you had to give me the heimlich maneuver and the olive shot into a ladies face and then we got cut off?”

“Oh yeah let's not go back there.”

“What about the Irish bar near your house?”

“I puked in the corner after doing car bombs there so I’m 86’d.”

“So we should just never go out together and end this friendship because if we really wanted to hang out we’d make an actual effort instead of going back and forth like assholes for days?”

“Sounds good to me, goodbye forever!”

“So long asshole!”  


The hardest message to convey to people is the reason that I’m cancelling my plans isn’t because I don’t like them, it’s because I’ve forgotten to take time out for myself. Working in customer service and pursuing a career comedy has me constantly surrounded by people. The best relationships that I have are with my friends who live in different states. Hell even my fiance and I make sure we don’t see each other constantly. 


The old adage says “distance makes the heart grow fonder.” My version would be “distance makes me not want to slap you in the face because I swear to god Steve if I have to listen to you complain about the fact that you haven’t been laid in a year I’m going to lose my mind.”

As I write this I’m fully aware of how much of an asshole I sound like. I mean, I am an asshole, there’s no mistaking that. I think that as I get older, my tolerance for bullshit gets smaller. And it’s not just other people’s bullshit, it’s mine as well. In my last piece I talked about the negative voices in my head and how at times they tend to control my interactions with other people. Since I get so annoyed by other people's negativity I’m trying my best to hold a mirror up to myself and be the change I want to see in the world.

I really fucking hate that I just said “be the change I want to see in the world.” Stay tuned for next week when I launch my new instagram page which is nothing but inspirational quotes and hiking selfies.


My future wife taught me the importance of taking myself on a date. Something she still does constantly which is a trait I deeply admire about her. It’s one thing to sit in a negative contemplative state and think about all the things that are going wrong in my life, but it’s another thing to take myself out for a nice steak dinner and then go to a movie with no other alternative motive then to simply be alone and happy with myself.  I’ll never be one to give relationship advice, but if you have the chance to be with someone who encourages you continuously work on yourself I’d highly recommend it. She gets 4 out of 5 stars. The only reason she gets 4 is because she hides bags of chips from me. Selfish. 


So my proclamation for the day is if I flake out on you, don’t take personally, I recommend you do the same. Good friends are honest with each other when they need to check out mentally, be alone, and eat a sandwich in the bathtub. Come back for my next post when I talk about the mental and physical benefits of eating all your meals in the tub.      


The science of Awkward Turtle

The science of Awkward Turtle