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No One likes Me. Let's Keep It That Way.

No One likes Me. Let's Keep It That Way.

Every day I wake up to the same annoying problems:


Text messages that I don’t want to respond to.

Emails filled with important, yet useless crap.

Facebook tags of me that have the expectation of a witty response.


The last thing any wants when they wake up is instant social obligations. The simple solution would be to turn my phone off at night, but like everyone else I’m hopelessly addicted to the glow and allure of that stupid glass box that cost me over a thousand dollars. I feel like a mosquito drawn to the illumination of a porch zapper, except in this case the mosquito might have me out smarted. They have no idea of the impending doom that awaits them. I’m fully aware that the second I open my phone I’m going to bombarded with an overload of people copying and pasting NPR articles and posting them as their own personal opinion in an attempt to seem relevant and knowledgeable not knowing that the only person who’s going to interact with them is their racist uncle.


I believe I hold a healthy balance of social and anti-social. I love seeing people, going out to bars, throwing the occasional football party.


But man do I love my alone time.


I’ve realized that certain people have a hard time understanding my mentality. Maybe I saw you at bar last night and we hung drinking and saying “I love you bro” on repeat. This isn’t an open invitation for you to text me constantly the next day with your favorite GIF and a link to your “good time jams” playlist on Spotify.


Also anyone reading this who’s thinking of adding me to group chat know this:


I will never respond to said chat. Ever. Group chats are like family reunions except worse because I can’t drink.


Yesterday I talked about my social anxiety and yes, I’m going to again. Here’s my definition of social anxiety:


I’ve been circling the block looking for a parking spot outside of my destination for half an hour. I finally find a spot that’s right outside but low and behold, there’s a group of people standing beside it. I start to parallel park, and instantly feel their eyes on me. Me heart starts to pound. My hands are sweaty. That one memory of when I first took a shower after P.E. and realized that I was the only circumcised boy in my class randomly pops into my head. Then I hit the curb with my tire. A couple people notice, and they really don’t care. But to me they might as well be laughing and pointing and comparing my penis to a helmet. I try again, but the ever watching eyes of these assholes who’ve done nothing wrong burns inside me like the voices of cruel teenagers chanting “HELMET DICK! HELMET DICK!” Then one of the concerned onlookers comes over to ask if I need help and I yell out “SHUT UP IT’S A NORMAL OPERATION THAT MOST CHILDREN HAVE IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOUR PARENTS ARE HIPPIES!” Then I drive away crying.            


So yeah I’m not the biggest fan of constant social interaction.


There are some things that I wish to change about my behavior though. Pursuing a career in comedy and writing involves me being social. Practicing my art and promoting myself and what not. The promotion part is hard for me due to my complicated social skills.


“What do you do for a living?”

“I’m an inspiring writer and comedian.”

“Cool! Do you have any upcoming shows?”


“Ok, can I come see one?”


“…Do you have a website?”


“Is your writing on their as well?”


“…Guess I’ll see you later?”

“Ok (leaves to finish my drink in the bathroom).”


One part of life is giving yourself set goals and completing them.


Writing a daily blog is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I made a commitment to myself.


Talking myself up and portraying my character in a positive and appealing manner to a stranger enable to get a job scares me beyond belief.


Turning my phone off and avoiding social media when necessary is a hard drug to quit.


These are things that I continue to work on. In the meantime if I don’t interact with you online or respond to your texts, don’t take it personally. it’s not that I’m ignoring you. It’s just that I don’t like you. 

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Anger Is My Happy Place

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