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Life Is So Inconvenient

Life Is So Inconvenient

Remember that old Iphone commercial with the slogan “There’s an App for that?” I think that was one of the most genius marketing campaigns ever, because now there’s literally an app for everything. We’ve evolved to the point where the only time we have to leave our house is to open the door for whatever is being delivered. Although when I’m at my peak of laziness opening the door feels like the most laborious task ever.


Open the door and talk to human? What is this, 1996?


When I’m not writing or doing comedy I work for a food delivery company. And I love it. Cruising around in my Honda, listening to podcasts, drinking LaCroix, getting paid a little bit too much money to literally do nothing. Any millennial who read that last sentence probably just orgasmed.   


A few people that I deliver to are so dead set on not having any human interaction that they request for me just leave it on their porch. I totally emphasize with this, but obviously they’ve never heard of raccoons. My proposal is to have a box like the ones at the bank drive through. I just slide your food in, no conversation necessary, but like the bank you still get a tiny lollipop. But the only available flavor is cherry because life is shit.


The ability to order anything instantly for the comfort of my own home while watching Friends in my underwear is simply astonishing. But have we gone too far? If you ever go into the dark places of Amazon the stuff that you can get delivered is insane. Like sex toys. Part of me gets it, not having to look anyone in the eye while making your pleasure purchase. But the other part of me is like “put on a jacket and go buy your own fucking dildo Lisa.”


Modern conveniences have indeed fast tracked our lives and made everything more easily accessible. They have also made us far more lazy and irritable. I know that I’ve grown use to everything being available immediately, so my patience has definitely thinned. If my Taco Bell is 10 minutes late you bet your ass I’m writing an email. Some restaurants even have the option of ordering from a touch screen, which is a bit much, but now I don’t have to deal with a hungover waiter who gets annoyed when I ask for water.


The fact that a small inconvenience like the WiFi on my phone taking 5 seconds to load a website causes me to throw a tantrum is just sad. We’ve not only become addicted to our phones and technology, but we’ve also become addicted to everything being perfect and when it isn’t, we lose our shit. And boy oh boy do we love to complain. I think there should be an app called “Manager” where you can call and be able to complain to someone for as long as you want. Doesn’t matter what you’re complaining about, there’s someone there to listen. I can call and complain that one of the birds who eats out of my bird feeder is a dick to the other birds, and now they’re less birds outside my window in the morning. Don’t tell me it wouldn’t feel amazing to hear the words “sir I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this problem. I promise I’ll talk to the bird personally and he will be banned from feeding on your premises and his bird licenses will be provoked.” It’ll be our generations version of phone sex services.


My question is how much farther are we going to go? Ass wiping machines?


…Bidets. We already have ass wiping machines. I just remembered that as I wrote that last sentence. We’re fucked.


It’s great that there are so many things that make life easier, but there has to be limits. Now when I order food I make sure it’s not a regular habit, but a once in a while treat to myself. I rarely order stuff on Amazon, and I’m not going to pay a bunch of money to have a machine shoot water up my ass.


A goal of mine is to not complain as much, and part of that is not having as much to complain about. If my life is surrounded by services that make me rely on other people and machines to accomplish tasks that I’m perfectly capable of, odds are I’m going to be disappointed more times then I’m going to be satisfied.


So I guess the moral of today’s story is take a deep breathe, put your down your phone, and make your own damn food.


But please order food occasionally, because if you don’t I’ll be out of work and I really don’t want to get a real job again.

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It's Not Entertainment, It's Reality

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