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I'm A Taurus And That Doesn't Mean Shit

I'm A Taurus And That Doesn't Mean Shit

I’m going to write a post about my hatred of zodiac signs while living in Portland Oregon. It’s kind of like living in the ocean and complaining about the whales. Not my strongest analogy but you get the point.


Growing up my mom had a book where you could look up your exact birthday and it would tell you everything you need to know about yourself. As a gullible young man, I viewed this text as holy scriptures. At the time I was heavily immersed in the Animorphs series and at one point believed that I could obtain shapeshifting powers myself. All I needed to do was find a fallen spaceship with a dying alien inside who would be willing to share his people secrets with me. Only true nerds will get that reference. If I believed in an idea that asinine then you can bet I fully took to heart what this book had to say about my character.


For me horoscopes are nothing more than a fantastical version of WebMD. Both give you vague information about your well being, leave it up to your own interpretation, and then tells you you’re going to die.


Ironically the world of natural medicine and alternative healing methods has always fascinated me. When I was a kid I had terrible scoliosis. Instead of an expensive operation or the painfully embarrassing back brace, my parents sent me to a chiropractor almost weekly.


One time I couldn’t get in with my regular chiropractor so my mom took me to another one. I would like to point out that my hometown had about twenty chiropractic clinics but not one hospital. The substitute chiropractor was like the stereotype in every romantic comedy. When I entered her office the incense smoke almost knocked me on my ass. Her voice was creepily soothing and I wasn’t sure if I was about to get an adjustment or be sacrificed to the gods of Nag Champa.


You put a lot of trust in a person when you’re lying face down on a table in a room filled with medical instruments that look like they’re going to hurt you more than they’re going to help. Usually during these sessions my regular guy would crack my neck, stretch out my back, and get everything in alignment. This lady however preferred the method of lightly touching my back and occasionally crying. At one point her hands left me and she put on tribal dance music on her stereo. At this point in my life I’d seen enough movies to know one of two things were about to happen. Either I was about to get laid, or murdered. To my great disappointment she did not kill me and I was forced to endure what came next.


After five minutes of nothing but this unbearable music, I decided to sneak a peek at what this loon was doing. I sneakily turned my head to witness what can only be described as a one woman rave party. Her hands were waving in the air and she was dancing around the room (poorly) to the rhythm of the ethnic CD that she had probably bought as a last second purchase at the check out stand at the grocery store.


After fifteen minutes of this ritual, I was finally released. That is the fastest I’ve ever walked out of a room. On my way out, she followed me explaining that I should make another appointment because my Aura was also out of alignment. I half heartedly said thank you and bolted to my mom’s station wagon. In the distance I swear I heard her reading my horoscope. All I got out of that session was a fear of dancing and my parents received the biggest bill they’ve ever seen.  


Naturopathic medicine has been a huge help for me in my life. I have a few conditions such as vertigo and insomnia that are vastly improved by non western medicine practices. Although I love the methods, a majority of the people in this community tend to lean towards the belief that our horoscopes fully define us. I know, I’m generalizing, but please bear with me.


I’m a strong atheist, so the idea that the stars and planets affect my mood and personality is just as off putting as the idea of god. My hippy tendencies and new age views have led me to many gatherings where I’m forced to sit in the woods and listen to other people explain why not showering is good for their souls.


“I don’t give a shit about your soul Carl we have to sleep in a tent together later.”


During these gatherings that were supposed to be about peace and acceptance, I’ve never felt so judged. I like to care about how I look. I take pride in dressing nice and presenting myself in a pleasing manner. When I used to go to these events I was ridiculed for my clothes, judged for my non vegan lifestyle, and of course it was all blamed on my Zodiac sign.


One night at an event called the “Oracle Gathering” I finally had enough. I was trying my hardest to fit in with this group and after another session of being insulted for how I choose to live my life I finally said fuck it, left the meditation circle, chugged the rest of the whiskey in my flask, and danced my Taurus ass off the rest of the night.


So no matter your religious or astrological beliefs, don’t be so quick to judge people based off what a book tells you to think.


Also yes I’m fully aware that I got my feelings hurt by a bunch of hippies in the woods.

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