I Don't Need Abs To Be Happy
Now that I’ve officially entered my 30’s, my metabolism has come to screeching halt. Gone are the days of eating hot pockets for breakfast chased done with a PBR and a sleeve of Oreos. Now if I even think about carbs I somehow gain ten pounds.
I hate that health and fitness is an essential part of growing old. At this stage in life I’d hoped that my demonic food lust would’ve calmed down a bit, but it’s only gotten worse. Society has conditioned me to be ashamed of my body. I’m one hundred and eighty pounds, which according to standards is ten pounds overweight. And that…is just fucked up.
The pressure we put on people, especially woman, to look a certain way is ridiculous. When I was living in LA I got super into running and not eating because I wanted to look like all my other friends who were getting roles in commercials and movies. At one point I went sober, worked out everyday, ate nothing, and achieved my weight and muscle goals. I also became a giant dick because I was hungry and sober.
I got new headshots and had the confidence to go out for the roles I wanted. I went into an audition for a role as the romantic lead in a short film, an alcoholic writer trying to get his life together (a role I was born to play). Sitting in the audition room, one of my friends from my acting class came and sat down next to me. Turns out we were auditioning for the same role. My friend is 6’2, shoulder length hair, and totally jacked. Just imagine a hipster version of Fabio. I’m 5’9 and was very scrawny at the time due to my insane weight loss regiment. Sitting in the waiting room, ten other guys came in who were all there for the same role. Half of them looked like my friend, and the other half looked just like me. That’s when we realized there were looking to go a couple of directions. Either tall and statuesque, or short and Jewish.
I had an alright audition, but afterwards the casting director said this:
“I’m sorry, we liked you, but we were really expecting you to be more Jewy.”
I never thought I could experience rejection and anti-semitism in one sentence.
Another time after an audition the producer said “Can I tell you something I’ve always wanted to say? Don’t call us, we’ll call you.” The whole room laughed, I gave an awkwards the thumbs up, walked out of the room, and ate the biggest fucking burger I could find. I realized my weight wasn’t the reason for me not getting work, it was because the standards that these casting directors were looking for was unattainable. Also I was a bad actor.
So fuck abs. Fuck LA. Fuck those producers for making me feel like less of human being and develop a borderline eating disorder.
To this I still struggle with my body image. I go to the gym, try to watch what I eat, take a few days off of drinking, stupid adult shit like that. But I’m not going to let societal standards keep me from occasionally drinking a six pack or eating so many Fritos that I throw up.
The next step is being ok with my body, which I imagine is hard for everybody. I want to able to wear a shirt and not constantly check to see if my belly is sticking out. I want to be able to look at myself shirtless in a mirror and see myself for who I am and not who I want to look like. I want to be ok with my hairline and not wish for perfect locks.
I guess I just want to like myself, which I imagine is going to be a lifelong struggle.
Also I want to eat Fudgsicle’s for breakfast and that’s my choice. So fuck off Hollywood.