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Fuck Off I'm Happy

Fuck Off I'm Happy

I’m a A 30 year old delivery driver.


I can hear the judgemental comments from everyone already. “What went wrong in his life that he’s resorted to such a menial job? Does he not have any ambition? Does he do drugs?”

Here’s the answers to all those question: Nothing, yes, and only if they’re free.

The reality of my situation is that I used to have a good paying job as a manager in the service industry. Loved my co-workers, loved my paycheck, and fell full force into the “living for the weekend mentality.” Don’t get me wrong, there’s a good living to be had in food service, but it just wasn’t for me. I have great admiration for people who can look beyond the trials and tribulations that come with working in a dining establishment, but I was fully prepared to throw the next person who asked me the region of the coffee I was serving out the window.

There’s 3 things you need to know about coffee. It taste like piss, we drink it anyways, then it makes you shit your pants before having a midday panic attack. I’d also like to take this time to introduce my sponsor Folgers. “Folgers: We’re cheap but hey so are you.”

So instead of filling my days with homicidal thoughts towards middle america, I decided to pursue the two things that make me truly happy; comedy and writing. Unfortunately unless I’m somehow able to pay my bills with drink tickets and “exposure,” I needed to find some way to make money on the side that left me with a flexible schedule. Luckily the one good thing my generation has done is created multiple digital platforms like Postmates and Lyft where we can enable our fellow millennials terrible bad habits:

The Millennial Daily Checklist:

-Wake up, instantly grab my phone to see how social media followers I’ve obtained since installing a possibly illegal program on my phone from a Russian site that gets me more followers. And by Followers I mean porn bots.

-Walk to a fancy coffee shop because I pretend to support local businesses.

-Buy a $12 dollar latte from the rudest person I’ve ever met, take one sip, remember that I hate coffee, throw it away and go to Starbucks to get a hot chocolate which is what I wanted originally

-Spend about 2 more hours mindlessly scrolling through my phone and calling it “networking”

-Think about going to the gym, consider that a workout, eat chips until I start work at 11AM

-Deliver food to hungover people my age who live in condos bought with their parents money

-Go home to my condo that I bought with parents money

-Eat more chips

-Write this bullshit

-Go deliver more food to overprivileged pieces of shit like myself

-Get drunk

-Perform what I call comedy and others call yelling to an empty room

-Pay way too much money to get food delivered using the same platform that I work for

-Watch 5 episodes of The Office

-Pass out

-Wake up



Is this a stainstable lifestyle?

Absolutely not.


Do I regret leaving my job?



Am I the happiest I’ve ever been?

No question.


When I find myself in work or living situation that doesn’t make me happy, I seem to find any excuse the complain about it. I was once in a terrible relationship for years. I also had a job that I hated to the core. once that relationship ended and I left that job, I promised myself if something wasn’t making me happy or a better person, I would stop doing it. So far it’s worked out for me.


I was in an unhappy relationship, so I left it. I hated the city I was living in, so I moved. I wasn’t feeling fulfilled in my job, so I quit. After leaving that relationship I took a few years to rediscover myself, and now I’m marrying a person who perfectly compliments me. I moved to my dream city and even though life can get get me down sometimes, I know I always have my surroundings to help me feel complete.


As for the job? Well that’s something I’m still working on. I want to be a writer, but those jobs can be hard to come by. I’ve obviously proved myself as complainer in this post, and I that’s something I’m also working on. Instead of talking about not being to get a job as a writer, I’ve decided to just start writing.


So here it is. A daily blog of my thoughts and opinions. The dream job of any 13 year old.


Enjoy, comment, call me an asshole because I definitely deserve it.


Just whatever you do don’t come down on me for having a dream and following it.


Stay tuned for a lot more crap like this.       



That One Time I got Called Racist At A Heavy Metal Show

That One Time I got Called Racist At A Heavy Metal Show